Remembering Grandma

I can't believe it's been 3 months today that we lost our dear sweet grandma. I miss her everyday and even more so when I have trying times with the boys. When they are being more than I can handle, I just know my grandma would've known what to do. I cry because I can't reach out to her for advice.

I'm so lucky to have so many precious memories that I think about often like...

When I was little, my grandma used to wash my hair at the kitchen sink then comb it out while I watched TV.

Grandma always said to chew a 1/2 stick of gum so you wouldn't smack...though this never stopped her from smacking her gum!

Grandma always had bananas (my favorite!) and cookies on hand.

When Grandma would call Grandpa on the CD radio, she always said "Base to unit 1, come in Carl". I even got to call him from time to time and I would say it just like she did!

Grandma would always turn down your bed when you stayed the night with her.

Grandma always had her fingernails painted and took care in how she looked.

Grandma was your biggest fan. No matter what you chose to do, she was proud and showed genuine interest.

And one of my very last memories that is so precious to me is watching my grandma rock my sweet baby Tucker to sleep.

There are a million more memories that I hope never fade away.

I hope when my babies have babies, I can be half the grandma to them that mine was to me. I hope in my hugs and kisses, they find the love, strength and wisdom that I feel she's passed on to me.

God I miss her.

So Proud.

I seem to keep hearing the same thing:


You are lucky you have a husband like Alec who helps you with _____________ (fill in the blank).


I know I am.

When he says "I love you." I say "I know" because only love can make him put up with all he puts up with.


Those who love me love him. My grandma would always tell me to be good to him because he's so good to me.


I hope I'm being good.


Because I love him more than he can ever imagine.


And I'm so very proud he's my husband.


And my babies' daddy.

Two Under Two Too Much?

Man! What have we gotten ourselves into? This whole idea of having 2 babies under the age of 2 is starting to be way more work than I had anticipated!

When we were pregnant with Thatcher, the term 2 under 2 kept popping up - usually with a few giggles - from our friends and family. I honestly thought the only thing that may be a challenge would be the amount of diapers we were going to go through. Honestly - that was it!

I thought - infants are easy! They just need a full belly, a dry bottom and a cozy little place to nap the day away. While said infant was napping away, we would play with our bouncing of the walls toddler. Boy was I wrong!

Tucker was an easy baby - which now I realize was very deceiving. We thought that's how all babies were. Just happy little bundles of joy. Heck, why not have another? How fun!

Then Thatcher came along. He doesn't seem to be a very happy bundle of joy. He's more like a fussy hot mess. We spend most of our time with him going back and forth - does he not feel well? is it colic? he feels fine. it's colic. no...does he really not feel well? ok. yeah. it's colic.

So now not only do we have a bouncing off the walls toddler, we also have a fussy hot mess of a baby. And our days - well - they stink. They really do.

We've decided the easiest thing to do at this point is just surrender - give up. Instead of waking up on Saturdays with thoughts of accomplishing errands and home projects, one of us holds the baby while the other entertains the toddler. Or if someone must take a shower, then the other has the task of comforting baby and playing with toddler at the same time.

Every now and then, we luck out and they take naps at the same time. During this time, we either throw ourselves down on the couch in complete exhaustion or we speed through chores like laundry and the never ending task of picking up toys - never ending!

I feel like I've lost my body and looks to my sweet boys and now my sanity is slowing going away too. I know things will eventually get better but it's really hard to imagine they ever will. I so look forward to that time. But for now, I'm that sleep deprived half crazed frumpy mama with no make-up wearing sweat pants everywhere. Nice to meet you. Please don't giggle about my 2 under 2.

Oh - now read this all again and throw 3 dogs into the mix. I may cry.

Please Accommodate Me!

When Tucker was a wee one and I was a bumbling breastfeeding mom, I pretty much stayed holed up in our house. I didn't want to risk being in public with a starving infant.

This time around, I want to get out with our boys and experience life outside our four walls. However, I'm finding those around us are not so accommodating towards breastfeeding mamas.

For instance, today we went to a friend's birthday party and one of those bouncy places. Thatcher slept for a good while and I thought he'd last until we made it back home. But alas, about half way through the party, Thatcher woke up, famished as usual.

We asked an employee if they have a family room or someplace we could tuck away to do our business. The naive teenager said "the bathroom". Really? The bathroom?

So I attempted to give Thatcher an "emergency"premade formula bottle but he refused. Ok. Soooo...we're gonna do this. I grabbed the baby and my diaper bag and went in search of the restroom.

I sat up shop in the handicap stall because I needed all the room I could get. I wasn't about to plop down on the floor so I sat on the toilet seat (no lid), which was nice and loose, and proceeded to feed my starving child. After he finished one side, I stood up and burped him which resulted in a river of spit up all down my back and on the floor. *sigh*

I sat back down on the toilet and rotated Thatcher to the other side all the while rocking back and forth on the loose seat. While he nursed, I attempted to throw toilet paper on the spit up pool and wipe it around with my foot.

When he finished, I again burped him but used a burp rag over my spit up soaked shoulder this time! Smart! Oh but wait! This burp resulted in a nice blowout on the other end. And who didn't pack a change of clothes? Not smart.

So now I'm balancing my poo covered baby on my spit up soaked shoulder while I attempt to pick up the toilet paper mess on the floor.

Really? No family room at all? SERIOUSLY!

I successfully changed the very messy diaper, threw on some lipstick, plastered a smile on my face and went back to the party smelling of spit up and poopy baby. pretty.

I think if I wasn't so modest, I wouldn't be so mortified by the thought of breastfeeding in public. I have a couple of cute cover-ups and have mastered a comfortable Boppy-free position. But the thought of having my boob out and everyone around me conscious of said boob...absolutely mortifying!

This is my plea - just have a nice little family room. Heck, at this point, I'd settle for a folding chair in a bathroom stall. I just think breastfeeding mamas should have the right to a little privacy. Really, is that too much to ask?

And We're Back!

I finally got a new computer (YAY!) so hopefully I'll be able to blog a bit more.

Where to begin after being MIA for over a month?!?!

Well I'm back at work - went back on January 3. I stayed pretty caught up during my maternity leave so it wasn't quite so bad going back. I only cried a little bit when I left Thatcher at his grandparents - totally not like when I had to leave Tucker for the first time.

In fact, there are so many things that are totally different this time around.

With Tucker, I was a complete control freak. I know - me? a control freak? It's true. I was so particular about every little thing - when he ate, how much he ate, how much he peed, how much he pooped, how much milk I pumped...the tiniest of details, I fretted over. I remember crying almost daily if I thought I didn't pump enough milk.

But with Thatcher, I've totally thrown all rules and expectations out the window...ok maybe not all, but quite a few! My only concern is that he's a happy and healthy baby - whatever it takes (or doesn't take) to get him there is all I'm worried about.

And on that note, I must go cuddle with my sweet baby boy who is up way past his bedtime.

I have so much to say and so many pictures to post, I'm sooooo very excited to be up and running again....more to come...

Postpartum Not So Pretty

It's inevitable, the glowing of pregnancy has morphed into the grossness of postpartum.

The glowing has turned into dry skin speckled with blemishes.

The cute little round belly is now a big half deflated spare tire around my midsection.

The "ohmygosh it's gonna pop" belly button is now a smooshy gaping hole.

And that line down my belly - it seems to grow darker every day.

The thick lustrous hair...well, I still have that. But soon it'll start falling out like a sheepdog shedding in July - or better yet, like our furkid Mango (seriously, how does this dog lose that much hair?!?).

Every night I wake up (several time thanks to my ever starving child) in a pool of sweat - completely soaked from head to toe.

Gotta love raging out of whack hormones! I'm ready to be normal again!

Don't Blink

This is one of those blogs that I've been meaning to write for a few weeks now but have put it off again and again. I'm hoping that with this post, I'll find peace and maybe a bit of acceptance and closure.

There's a song by Kenny Chesney called "Don't Blink" that tells us to cherish every moment because life passes us by so quickly - if you blink, you may just miss it! This song always reminded me of my sweet baby Tucker and how fast he's growing. I can't believe he's already 20 months old and has experienced so many of life's "firsts".


A few weeks ago, my grandma suddenly became very ill and this song took on a whole different perspective for me.


Towards the end of my pregnancy with Thatcher, I decided it was time to go back home to Wynona and visit my mom and grandparents. I hadn't seen them for a few months and I knew my time to travel was diminishing with each passing week of my pregnancy. On the Saturday before Halloween, I told Alec that I needed to go visit so we loaded up Tucker and headed to Wynona.


We visited my mom then stopped by my grandparents house. Grandma had made a fresh batch of brownies which I inhaled (one last pregnant hoorah!) Wynona was trick or treating that night so we sat on the front porch while Grandma and Grandpa passed out candy. Grandma had made up treat bags to pass out - she always went a little above and beyond with her generosity! But then again, she was picking out the good Tootsie Rolls to keep and enjoy later!


We left that evening with the idea that the next time we'd see my grandparents, I'd have a new little great-grandson for them to meet! Little did we know, how fast things would change with the next "blink."


The following Friday, my mom called to let me know my Grandma had gotten sick and was in the hospital. The diagnosis was something wrong with her liver - maybe jaundice. Alec and I went to visit Grandma on Saturday (just 1 week since we'd last seen her) and she was in good spirits. We talked about my pregnancy and she assured everyone she felt fine. Did she really feel fine? She wasn't one to complain or worry anyone so we'll never know.


On Sunday after more tests, the doctors found a spot on Grandma's intestines. She was set for surgery on Tuesday. Our family filled the waiting room on the day of surgery and we were prepared to stay as long as we needed to. The surgery didn't take as long as we thought. The doctor found cancer in my grandma's pancreas, liver and intestines. There wasn't much they could do. Grandma was given 6 weeks - 6 months to live. I never wanted to blink again.


During this entire time - from the time I found out Grandma was sick until the day of the surgery - I kept playing "Don't Blink" over and over in my head. I clung to my family and leaned on them for support. We were told that my sweet Grandma - who was so strong and vivacious just a few days earlier - was now very very sick. Everyone kept reminding me that she was 85 and she may not be able to bounce back. But my Grandma was no regular old grandma! She was full of life and had never been sick or had anything wrong with her! I didn't care that she was 85! My Grandma was supposed to be around for at least 10 more years - at least long enough to see my boys grow up - at least long enough meet her new great-grandson!


When Grandpa and I went to see Grandma in the ICU after surgery, he said he didn't think she'd pull out of this - that this could really be the end. I told him we just have to have faith and everything is out of our hands now. The constant playing of "Don't Blink" changed to "Have a Little Faith." I don't even know the words to that song, but I just kept playing over and over in my head "Have a little faith in me..." For some reason, I thought if I stayed optimistic and put all my faith in the right hands, my grandma would pull through.


After Grandma's surgery, I visited her in the hospital as often as I could. I went to see her during my lunch breaks and in the evenings. The Sunday after her surgery - just 2 weeks after we had last seen her so full of life in Wynona - we took Tucker to see Grandma. We were sure he'd lift her spirits and I made a special card for her from Tucker. Grandma had taken a turn for the worse the night before and wasn't awake when we visited. She had emergency surgery that night.

The next day, on Monday - just 16 days after our Wynona visit - we lost our sweet grandma. "Don't Blink" returned.


I'm not sad by time not spent with my Grandma. I have a thousand memories from the time I did spend with her. I'm sad my boys will never know this amazing person. They'll never understand why their mama thinks it's important to make homemade jam and to sit down at the dinner table each night. They'll think it's silly that their mama has to kiss daddy every morning, every night and every other chance she gets. They'll get tired of how many times she says "I love you" to them. But these are just a few of the thousands of things I got from my grandma that I hope my boys will remember about me.

Now I'm trying to cherish each moment life offers and each crazy thing it throws our way. I want to make sure that with each blink, I have a thousand memories to last me until my next blink.