Don't Blink

This is one of those blogs that I've been meaning to write for a few weeks now but have put it off again and again. I'm hoping that with this post, I'll find peace and maybe a bit of acceptance and closure.

There's a song by Kenny Chesney called "Don't Blink" that tells us to cherish every moment because life passes us by so quickly - if you blink, you may just miss it! This song always reminded me of my sweet baby Tucker and how fast he's growing. I can't believe he's already 20 months old and has experienced so many of life's "firsts".


A few weeks ago, my grandma suddenly became very ill and this song took on a whole different perspective for me.


Towards the end of my pregnancy with Thatcher, I decided it was time to go back home to Wynona and visit my mom and grandparents. I hadn't seen them for a few months and I knew my time to travel was diminishing with each passing week of my pregnancy. On the Saturday before Halloween, I told Alec that I needed to go visit so we loaded up Tucker and headed to Wynona.


We visited my mom then stopped by my grandparents house. Grandma had made a fresh batch of brownies which I inhaled (one last pregnant hoorah!) Wynona was trick or treating that night so we sat on the front porch while Grandma and Grandpa passed out candy. Grandma had made up treat bags to pass out - she always went a little above and beyond with her generosity! But then again, she was picking out the good Tootsie Rolls to keep and enjoy later!


We left that evening with the idea that the next time we'd see my grandparents, I'd have a new little great-grandson for them to meet! Little did we know, how fast things would change with the next "blink."


The following Friday, my mom called to let me know my Grandma had gotten sick and was in the hospital. The diagnosis was something wrong with her liver - maybe jaundice. Alec and I went to visit Grandma on Saturday (just 1 week since we'd last seen her) and she was in good spirits. We talked about my pregnancy and she assured everyone she felt fine. Did she really feel fine? She wasn't one to complain or worry anyone so we'll never know.


On Sunday after more tests, the doctors found a spot on Grandma's intestines. She was set for surgery on Tuesday. Our family filled the waiting room on the day of surgery and we were prepared to stay as long as we needed to. The surgery didn't take as long as we thought. The doctor found cancer in my grandma's pancreas, liver and intestines. There wasn't much they could do. Grandma was given 6 weeks - 6 months to live. I never wanted to blink again.


During this entire time - from the time I found out Grandma was sick until the day of the surgery - I kept playing "Don't Blink" over and over in my head. I clung to my family and leaned on them for support. We were told that my sweet Grandma - who was so strong and vivacious just a few days earlier - was now very very sick. Everyone kept reminding me that she was 85 and she may not be able to bounce back. But my Grandma was no regular old grandma! She was full of life and had never been sick or had anything wrong with her! I didn't care that she was 85! My Grandma was supposed to be around for at least 10 more years - at least long enough to see my boys grow up - at least long enough meet her new great-grandson!


When Grandpa and I went to see Grandma in the ICU after surgery, he said he didn't think she'd pull out of this - that this could really be the end. I told him we just have to have faith and everything is out of our hands now. The constant playing of "Don't Blink" changed to "Have a Little Faith." I don't even know the words to that song, but I just kept playing over and over in my head "Have a little faith in me..." For some reason, I thought if I stayed optimistic and put all my faith in the right hands, my grandma would pull through.


After Grandma's surgery, I visited her in the hospital as often as I could. I went to see her during my lunch breaks and in the evenings. The Sunday after her surgery - just 2 weeks after we had last seen her so full of life in Wynona - we took Tucker to see Grandma. We were sure he'd lift her spirits and I made a special card for her from Tucker. Grandma had taken a turn for the worse the night before and wasn't awake when we visited. She had emergency surgery that night.

The next day, on Monday - just 16 days after our Wynona visit - we lost our sweet grandma. "Don't Blink" returned.


I'm not sad by time not spent with my Grandma. I have a thousand memories from the time I did spend with her. I'm sad my boys will never know this amazing person. They'll never understand why their mama thinks it's important to make homemade jam and to sit down at the dinner table each night. They'll think it's silly that their mama has to kiss daddy every morning, every night and every other chance she gets. They'll get tired of how many times she says "I love you" to them. But these are just a few of the thousands of things I got from my grandma that I hope my boys will remember about me.

Now I'm trying to cherish each moment life offers and each crazy thing it throws our way. I want to make sure that with each blink, I have a thousand memories to last me until my next blink.