Struggles and Frustrations

Lately, I've been thinking about the movie Terms of Endearment. More specifically, I've been thinking about the scene when Shirley MacLaine is running around the hospital yelling "GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!".  I feel like I'm yelling but no one is listening. No one is helping. No one is fighting as hard for my son as I am. The catch is, I don't know how to fight. In my head I'm screaming, but nothing is coming out of my mouth except pure frustration.

Tucker is struggling. We thought going to a new school would give him a fresh start to let his personality shine and to make new friends. Our plan is backfiring - big time. What's going on? Is it his ADHD? Is he consciously being defiant? Is he sabotaging our efforts so he can go back to his old school? Is there something else? If so, how do we figure out what it is?

Tucker's pediatrician has prescribed 6 different medications in the 2 years since Tucker was diagnosed with ADHD. Oh that one's not working? Try this pill. Oops, let's try this one now. Let's change the dosage. Try giving it to him a little earlier. Here's another pill he can take in case he needs more focus in the evenings. Ask me how I feel about pills. Not a fan. At all. When Tucker was diagnosed with ADHD, I asked about diet or anything else that may help him, but our pediatrician was sure the only direction to go was with medication. 

After the 3rd or 4th pill or dosage change didn't work, we were referred to a child psychologist. Apparently this is the best child psychologist in town because we are on a cancellation list. The first available appointment is 3 months out. Always. So when his office calls with a cancellation, we take it. We pull Tucker out of school, miss work, alter our schedule so we can squeeze Tucker in for his 1 hour appointment.  And the appointments consist of the boys playing with toys, us chatting a little with the doctor, then Tucker playing Clue with the doctor for the rest of the time. Tucker has gone maybe 6-7 times and the only change we've seen is that he kinda knows how to play Clue now. 

Shouldn't there be more? Shouldn't there be something between pills and playing Clue? Shouldn't we be given some sort of literature on ADHD,  information for a support group, or suggestions on coping skills and tools? Shouldn't someone help us with Tucker's diet, screen time, homework, and social skills?

I'm screaming inside my head. I feel like I'm failing my child. I love him hard - hugs, kisses, "I love you's" a hundred times every day even when he's screaming how much he hates me, how awful of a mother I am, and how he's going to run away. I try so hard to be patient and speak kindly to him when so many others in his day do not. I ignore the kids who tell me how horrible my son was in class today. I know I should say something, but the mama bear in me makes me bite my tongue to keep from saying what I really want to say. 

So we Google. We manage. We pray. We start each day with hope that today will be a good day. We end each day trying to figure out the triggers to what went wrong. We sleep restlessly as worry and hope battle it out in our hearts. And the frustrating and exhausting cycle starts again.